behind the door

I feel like growing up one of the most used phrases we hear is "one door closes, another opens". It's a message to give hope when we feel like things are falling apart and one to reassure us that everything does truly happen for a reason. From careers to relationships the same philosophy echoes..."don't forget, there's plenty more fish in the sea" it's the same message, a coming of an end but the promise of the new.

It seems to me that in some point in life we all reach the end of a corridor, a corridor we've paced for maybe many years, that we've grown comfortable in, we've hung photos on the walls of and we've filled the air with our memories. We reach the end of this corridor, we grasp the handle of the door, we hesitate. Sometimes the fear of the unknown beyond the new door doesn't rival the comfort of the life we're already living.

I turned to shut my bedroom door today and stopped, when the catch clicked in to place I thought "if I could open this door now and be immersed in to the life I truly want, what would it look like". If I could open the door and step in to a studio loft in Paris with dusky autumnal sunset tones pouring through the window, would I take a second to peer back at what I was leaving or would the door behind me simply become a memory to be fond of, a story to tell.

To leave behind comfort, is to leave behind a lot. My mum has always said "to be in a job where your happy means the world." and it does. But happiness doesn't come just from being comfortable and I think this is where many a paths are crossed because we confuse being stable and comfortable in a situation as being truly happy. We settle; we settle because we're scared to close the door on something that could provide everything we need but not necessarily what sets our heart alight. 

This is all caused by the fear of the unknown, after all if someone handed you your dream life tomorrow, there would be no hesitation.

There would not be a...

 "what if?" 

or 

"how can I?" 

It would simply be. 

The only things that lacks in the real world from that situation, when you open that new door, is the guarantee. The comfortability. The promise and stability. But it's not to say you wouldn't have those things, it's the fear of not knowing whether you will that stops us. I've seen many videos circulating Facebook, you know those inspirational ones that pop up every so often that probably end up in your saves for those days when you think you'll need them but are only left to be buried under videos of baby goats and 2012 vines. One video that has always stayed with me is one talking about fear, it's something generated by our minds, it's our minds making the maybes become the truth which then stops us from doing the things we desire.

It's fiction, it's not fact. 

If we take fear out of the equation when making decisions, it becomes blindly clear what we should do. When our heart jumps, we should be jumping with it. When the fog of doubt and worry sets in, we have to remember that there are never any guarantees in life, even when you're comfortable, things can go wrong. Wouldn't you rather things went wrong pursuing a life you loved rather than dealing with the mishaps in a life that brings "enough."

This isn't a new lesson in life, but it's one that I think a lot of us challenge on a daily basis and one that would benefit us all if we learnt it now rather than in twenty years time.

In twenty years time when you're still wondering whether the pictures on the wall in the corridor provide more "happiness" than whats waiting on the other side.

If you could open the door closest to you now and find everything you want behind it, what would you see? 

What's stopping you. 

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Lost? or simply living

- In a world full of faces, names and numbers, it can be an never ending struggle to find the corner that you fit in to. Sometimes years after thinking you've found your corner, you start to feel a little uncomfortable, the walls aren't what they used to be and the surroundings don't make your heart feel warm.

I'm not a writer, I never have been, I could read books for days and spend endless moments visualising scenes in my head but ask me to put pen to paper?... knocking at the wrong door. English was never my favourite subject at school, in fact I absolutely dreaded it. The thought of sitting in a class room, taking it in turns to read pages of a book that we all deeply despised and being told to annotate it to the last full stop was my idea of hell, "so class what connotations does the blue dress send to the reader" to which some idiot/class clown/whatever they were named at your school, would answer "I don't know, that she likes blue I guess". I understood the principles, I understand pathetic fallacies yet will never have a reason to use such terminology, you get the gist, I wasn't a devoted English student. So when it comes to sitting down and trying to write a blog post, and I say trying because I really do have to try, my mind is like a village road at night. Sure, there's one or two cars that drive through, but nothing to awake the village or to even cause a stir. Photography, this has always been where my passion is placed. I studied it from the age of 14, 99% of what I've done in my career so far has been visually inspired. Whenever I see my friends, if they need photos done for them my heart honestly jumps at the chance to create imagery, I never feel more inspired than when I'm behind the lens. Every single day I spend time delving in to editorials, fashion campaigns, blogger work, scenic photography, and it wasn't until even just now when I'm thinking back that when I'm admiring the work, I'm not thinking "I want to be like that person in the photo", I'm thinking "I want to be able to create something as amazing as this". It's a huge realisation for me to actually process and consider. I've known for a while now that something wasn't clicking for me, I had no idea what it was or where this feeling was coming from and if I'm being entirely honest I still don't know now where the rift starts and ends but I'm coming to terms with the fact the path I was so determined to succeed in, potentially isn't the one I'm going to thrive in. I tweeted earlier about feeling completely lost, how I had something screaming at me telling me to do it but having not a clue what 'it' is. I have this underlying surge of energy that sits in my stomach waiting to be invested in to something but the right something hasn't materialised to make this energy worthwhile making an appearance. I have a million and one things I need to do but the energy I have is completely blocked off, I'm not inspired to do any of the things I need to. Even when I'm getting through incredible opportunities, I'm wrapped up in momentary excitement as I read the email, 30 seconds later and it's dissolved. Every time I walk to the gym, I put my headphones in, I have this overwhelming feeling of "I'm going to do it", my drive completely over takes me but I have nothing to direct that in to and I think my body is becoming just as sick of it as my mind is. I know so many of us hit the block of "what am I doing with my life" and it's probably one of the scariest moments you'll ever face when it comes because the amount of questions, reflections and repressed regrets that come flooding to the surface are enough to make even the strongest of us bed ridden and bound by our thoughts. I don't know if it's a question that ever truly needs an answer, I don't know if anybody can truly say "I did what I know I needed to do with my life". It brings the question of "are we lost? or simply living". Will we ever really know what we're truly meant to do, I really hope that a moment of realisation does dawn and awaken what ever it is within me that is so desperately trying to voice itself but I'm over holding out hope for something more, something else, something. I'm tired of waiting for something to change and for my current routine to feel 'okay' again, because okay isn't enough and it'll never be enough. I don't know whether I'm lost or simply just living and trying to find my way but I know that I can't just leave things as they are and have this overwhelming feeling bombarding me every day and not having a single clue what to do about it. Even during writing this my perspective is changing. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do but what I do know is that I'm not happy with where I am and that's the only thing I can focus on, it's only thing we can all focus on when we feel this way. If we don't like something, we have to change it and grow until we hit the peak and we can say "I didn't belong in that corner, I belong here".

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PHOTOS BY Phillipa Knight / @inkaknight

summers last words - what I've learnt this year so far

It's freaking me out a little bit to say that we're now in September, the past few months, actually this entire year has just completely flown by. I'm fairly sure I don't remember June or July happening and I don't think August lasted more than 48 hours, at least thats what the weather made it feel like. You can always rely on Britain for a hormonal summer. Even though time has passed at 100MPH I feel like I've learnt a hell of a lot, maybe that's down to the planets moving around so much and my horoscope telling me for the past few months to be prepared for my life to be flipped on it's side. Thanks for following through with that btw planets, throw a girl a line in September will you?

I never expected the last few months to bring such dramatic change, you may have seen me speaking about it on my insta stories a few days ago. So much happened in such a short period of time and I feel like my outlook on life matured by about a decade in the space of ten days. It's true that they say you never know how strong you are until you have no other option but to be so.

1 - my gut knows more than my mind does

you know those situations where you have the stomach turning feeling, you know something just isn't right but you ignore it and then a few days down the line you're telling yourself 'I knew I shouldn't have done that, I should've listened to my gut' < I don't know how many times we've all felt like this, hindsight is a wonderful thing but I think our gut can give us hindsight before our minds can even suss what the hell is going on. Over the past month I've really listened to what my body tells me and it's not failed me yet, it's helped me to clear my head, get rid of toxicities, and get back on the right path with a clear view. Listen to what your body tells you, if something doesn't seem right, 99% of the time it's bang on.

2 - don't feel bad for being unapologetically you

I saw a quote on twitter along the lines of 'if the one thing you learnt from high school wasn't that you shouldn't give a damn what anyone else thinks of you and what you're doing, then you didn't do it right'. I think in todays society it's becoming easier to be exactly who you are without judgement, of course there are still those idiots that will send hate via their keyboards but a beautiful button can stop that #block #getouttamyvibe. This summer more than ever I've followed exactly who I know I am, what I want to create and the path I want to pursue and you'd be amazed how freeing it is to get in to the mindset of 'you know what honey, you might not like it but this ain't your damn life and you ain't living it so, you, door, go.' BE you, DO what you want, LIVE how you wanna live.

3 - there's nothing wrong with being a little guarded

I've made friends this year that I genuinely treasure and would be at the end of the phone if they needed me at 3 in the morning, bbygal you need some retail therapy and some scheduled time for a mini breakdown, okay I got you. I've also learnt to keep my guard raised when making friendships because things aren't always as they seem to be and things will be said when your back is turned that will hurt and can never be taken back. Over the years I've learnt that to have a guard up when building friendships anyway, but it's important to know you're always able to step away from any situation when it becomes toxic and it's in times like those you realise what's good for you, and whats' not. Not every friendship you make in life is going to be sunshine and daises, it's not necessarily anyones fault, sometimes people just don't fit in each others lives and things are better left unsaid than causing any more hurt.

4 - men are not a priority.

HELL TO THE YES. guys, you're not on the top of my hit list right now. This has probably been the first summer where I haven't been involved with someone in such a long time and it's equally one of the best I think I've ever had. I used to feel like having that special someone in your life was the be all and end all, but I never thought too much about it being the RIGHT person and I spent a lot of time investing in to relationships that I knew probably wouldn't work in the long run purely because I thought I needed someone there. Being single for the past year now has given me the ultimate growing room, one of the best lessons that I can pass on is that you'll never truly be happy with someone else until you can be happy by yourself, I read that a lot on the internet after going through my first break up and I don't think it ever really registered until last year. After learning that, my priorities changed, I put myself first and I know that when the right person does step in to the spotlight that I'll be in the best place I could be in myself to make it work.


It's incredible what 8 months can do for you, what you can learn and how much you can grow. Even though the sun is going to be dimming and the leaves are going to start falling, I'm going in to autumn feeling brighter, more positive and I'm able to say I'm in a place where I can wake up in the morning and smile. Remember your happiness and health should always come first, you should always be your first priority, take care of yourselves honey bees, we all deserve self love.

PHOTOS BY Phillipa Knight / @inkaknight