Lost? or simply living

- In a world full of faces, names and numbers, it can be an never ending struggle to find the corner that you fit in to. Sometimes years after thinking you've found your corner, you start to feel a little uncomfortable, the walls aren't what they used to be and the surroundings don't make your heart feel warm.

I'm not a writer, I never have been, I could read books for days and spend endless moments visualising scenes in my head but ask me to put pen to paper?... knocking at the wrong door. English was never my favourite subject at school, in fact I absolutely dreaded it. The thought of sitting in a class room, taking it in turns to read pages of a book that we all deeply despised and being told to annotate it to the last full stop was my idea of hell, "so class what connotations does the blue dress send to the reader" to which some idiot/class clown/whatever they were named at your school, would answer "I don't know, that she likes blue I guess". I understood the principles, I understand pathetic fallacies yet will never have a reason to use such terminology, you get the gist, I wasn't a devoted English student. So when it comes to sitting down and trying to write a blog post, and I say trying because I really do have to try, my mind is like a village road at night. Sure, there's one or two cars that drive through, but nothing to awake the village or to even cause a stir. Photography, this has always been where my passion is placed. I studied it from the age of 14, 99% of what I've done in my career so far has been visually inspired. Whenever I see my friends, if they need photos done for them my heart honestly jumps at the chance to create imagery, I never feel more inspired than when I'm behind the lens. Every single day I spend time delving in to editorials, fashion campaigns, blogger work, scenic photography, and it wasn't until even just now when I'm thinking back that when I'm admiring the work, I'm not thinking "I want to be like that person in the photo", I'm thinking "I want to be able to create something as amazing as this". It's a huge realisation for me to actually process and consider. I've known for a while now that something wasn't clicking for me, I had no idea what it was or where this feeling was coming from and if I'm being entirely honest I still don't know now where the rift starts and ends but I'm coming to terms with the fact the path I was so determined to succeed in, potentially isn't the one I'm going to thrive in. I tweeted earlier about feeling completely lost, how I had something screaming at me telling me to do it but having not a clue what 'it' is. I have this underlying surge of energy that sits in my stomach waiting to be invested in to something but the right something hasn't materialised to make this energy worthwhile making an appearance. I have a million and one things I need to do but the energy I have is completely blocked off, I'm not inspired to do any of the things I need to. Even when I'm getting through incredible opportunities, I'm wrapped up in momentary excitement as I read the email, 30 seconds later and it's dissolved. Every time I walk to the gym, I put my headphones in, I have this overwhelming feeling of "I'm going to do it", my drive completely over takes me but I have nothing to direct that in to and I think my body is becoming just as sick of it as my mind is. I know so many of us hit the block of "what am I doing with my life" and it's probably one of the scariest moments you'll ever face when it comes because the amount of questions, reflections and repressed regrets that come flooding to the surface are enough to make even the strongest of us bed ridden and bound by our thoughts. I don't know if it's a question that ever truly needs an answer, I don't know if anybody can truly say "I did what I know I needed to do with my life". It brings the question of "are we lost? or simply living". Will we ever really know what we're truly meant to do, I really hope that a moment of realisation does dawn and awaken what ever it is within me that is so desperately trying to voice itself but I'm over holding out hope for something more, something else, something. I'm tired of waiting for something to change and for my current routine to feel 'okay' again, because okay isn't enough and it'll never be enough. I don't know whether I'm lost or simply just living and trying to find my way but I know that I can't just leave things as they are and have this overwhelming feeling bombarding me every day and not having a single clue what to do about it. Even during writing this my perspective is changing. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do but what I do know is that I'm not happy with where I am and that's the only thing I can focus on, it's only thing we can all focus on when we feel this way. If we don't like something, we have to change it and grow until we hit the peak and we can say "I didn't belong in that corner, I belong here".

Shop the suit here >>  JACKET / TROUSERS 

SHOP THE REST OF MY WARDROBE HERE >> http://www.bethanyelstone.com/p/shop-my-wardrobe.html

PHOTOS BY Phillipa Knight / @inkaknight